Blinker - Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Off To Barcelona - A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..." "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!"
Let Me See - A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
Revenge of the Blondes! - -Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? It doesn't show the dirt. -Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price -Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. -Why are most brunettes flat-chested? It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts. -Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache. -Why is the color brunette considered evil? When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch? -How can you tell a brunette is lonely ? Check her for a pulse. -What is the most frustrated animal in the world? A brunette rabbit. -Why do brunettes wear training bras? It's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day. -Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls? Parents felt the dandruffmight be contagious. -How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair? With a rake. -Why don't brunettes get breast implants? They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants. -Why did God create brunettes? So ugly men wouldn't feel left out. -What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation. -Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant? From their underarms. -How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night? Startled. -What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage. -How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color? By studying what oilspills did to seaweed. -What's the difference between a brunette and the trash? At least the trash gets taken out once a week. -What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween? They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops. -Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ? Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch. -What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? 'What part of *yes* don't you understand?'
Why are cowgirls always bowlegged? - Q: Why are cowgirls always bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Mind over matter! - A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. "Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!" The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" and the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. "What in the world are you doing!?" she asked. The guy says... "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
Good/Bad Car Accident - Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"
Absent Minded Husband - Anniversaries and birthdays Complicate my life. I'm an absent-minded husband Of a present-minded wife.
Why did the boy... - Why did the boy take a ladder to school? It was a high school.
Bill Clinton & the Genie - One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill "You have one wish." Bill Clinton cried "But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!" "Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you," replied the Genie. Bill Clinton thought hard and said "Bring peace to the middle east." He took out a map to show the Genie. The genie said "Nope. Can't do that choose another wish." This next wish came up right away. "I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do" The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly "Um...can I take a look at that map again?"
Try our tricky! - To make this work, do this as fast as you can and don't cheat! Spell Fort 5 times Say Fort 4 times Spell Fort 4 times Say Sort 3 times Spell Fort two times Say Fort once Quick!...What do you eat cereal with? (Scroll Down) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * You're pretty weird...most people use a Spoon! :)
Sure signs that you're broke! - 1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. 3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. 4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. 5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. 6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 10. Your bologna has no first name. 11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice. 12. Sally Struthers sends you food. 13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. 14. At communion you go back for seconds.
Polak's Wife - A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah." The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"
What Tax? - This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it." "What do you want?" "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." "What do you want?" "I need some protection, alright??!?!" "What size?" "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
Light Bulb Jokes Galore! - Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' freakin' bitness! Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ``Fabulous.' Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ``Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?''